Asshole Anonymous!

Hi, my name is Richie and I’m a recovering asshole. True story, I’ve been in recovery now for over 20 years. And I’ll tell you what brought me to my knees. My life pretty much sucked. I blamed everybody and everything for what had happened to me.

I was in my first or second year of being rehabilitated by the State of Massachusetts. A special program designed to take incorrigibles like me, test us for IQ and a battery of psychological exams, educate us, hoping to guide us back into prospering, taxpaying adults.

So now back to the day I became a member of Asshole Anonymous. This particular day everything was going wrong. My ex-wife told me she was quitting work, my two young boys didn’t want to get ready for daycare, and my sociology professor said that if I was late one more day, I’d have to take the class over.

Now I’m furious, almost berserk like, I strapped the kids in their car seats and head out to drop them at daycare. Immediately, this young kid cuts me off. But the kids a punk right, he takes it a step further and gives me the middle-finger.

Of course, I chase the idiot, yelling and swearing, “I gonna break your fucking pencil neck you little asshole.” In the back seat, my 2-year-old panics and begins to scream crying. And my 4-year-old laughs hysterically beside him.

Anyway, the kid gets away, I drop my boys off at daycare and the woman’s pissed about me forgetting extra diapers. Back in the car I call her an asshole and head down the streets. Out of nowhere, a cop hits me with his blue lights. It’s a guy I once beat up in high school, a pure asshole who takes his revenge by detaining me while he runs a warrant check, finds nothing, but give me a ticket for running a stop sign.

Beyond late, I don’t dare try to walk into my Sociology class. Instead, I head over to see my deranged, Vietnam, Marine sponsor. We get coffee at Dunkin Donuts and the woman puts sugar in my coffee after I tell her NO SUGAR TWICE. Yes, I ask, “Tell me, were you always an asshole or did it happen over time?”

Anyway, my sponsor takes me to the top of Fort Hill and he tells me to start yelling. So, looking down at the entire City of Lowell, I begin screaming about every asshole in my sorry life.

Then, with this maniac calm, my sponsor says, “Do you know the third asshole you meet today is you!” And of course, after a long beat, he says it again, “Remember this, today or any day, the third asshole you meet is YOU!”

Great lesson! In fact, I use it every day. So if you’re an asshole and you’d like to become a member of Asshole Anonymous, please take a moment and become a follower today. If not, send the link to my blog to an asshole you know.

PS: About a month after the incident I described above. We were driving back from church one Sunday morning and a woman cut us off. And from the backseat, my 4-year-old yelled, “Break his fucking pencil neck Daddy!”

http://www.whatsleftofus.com/