Step out of the shit!

I’ve written two blogs for AddictionBlog.org since I stopped posting them to Facebook. But with Christmas knocking at our door, I suspect my “End Addiction 2012 Blog” will not click in to their system until after the holidays. In a way, I’m pleased with the delay. Both blog entries lend powerful advice for parents who have a child addicted to drugs.  I’m certain more people will benefit from it after January 1, 2012.

But I had to write a quick blog entry for my friends on Facebook, a Christmas message. I think a message everybody should consider as the year winds down and we look toward a new beginning in 2012.

Bottom-line, you do not need to stand in the shit anymore. And if you decide to stand and continue the same madness in 2012, well consider this, that decision is a conscious decision you make. It has absolutely nothing to do with circumstances or factors beyond your control.

Stop right now as you read this. Look at where you are in life at this second. Write down where you want to be this time next year and make a fucking plan to get there. End of story. Step out of the shit.

You know, I’m a big fan of Steve Jobs. And I wasn’t until after he died. Since, I read everything I can about his life. I watch all his speeches on YouTube over and over.

This morning, something Jobs said struck me hard, something obvious. He said, “Ask for help! Reach out to people who have done something you want to accomplish. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Most will help you.”

I just had to pass this message on. Make a decision right now to step out of the shit and ask for help in 2012!

Best wishes to everybody for a wonderful Christmas and a happy, healthy 2012!

http://www.addictionblog.org/

Addiction Blog

Good news. My blog has been picked up by AddictionBlog.org. They have 100,000 visitors every month and I'll be able to get my message out all over the world. So it may take a few days to get into their system, but I'll notify you when they officially begin.

It's a wonderful website designed to help everybody struggling with addiction. Check it out:

http://addictionblog.org/

and of course my website at www.whatsleftofus.com

 

I'm a heroin addict!

    The following is an excerpt from my memoir, "What's Left of Us." It's how I lived 25 years ago. It's also a perfect example for somebody struggling with addiction. Bottom-line, if I can do it -- anybody can!

    It may be longer than my usual blog, but it moves fast. Print it or email it to somebody you know struggling with this insidious disease.

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    I am a heroin addict. My life is limited to three concerns. The first thing I gotta figure out every morning is how to get a bag of heroin into my arm no more than ten minutes after I wake-up. If I fail, I’m dope sick. The cramps inside my lower stomach go on a full-scale attack. I can’t stand. I can’t walk. The diarrhea squirts out like a water hose. But I’m damn good at getting high now. I hardly ever stay dope-sick long.

     The second issue is drawing a “hot shot” or a “beat-bag.” The majority of heroin in Lowell originates from New York City. Puerto Rican gangs bring it here by the kilo. The drug dealers on Adam Street who package the heroin from one pound bricks into grams and half-gram are no Einsteins. They cut the heroin or add fake shit to stretch quantity for profit. Some dealers cut it in half and double their money. Most use quinine, which gives the bitter taste, and an Italian baby laxative called Manatol because its fine white granules have almost the identical weight of pure heroin.

     So picture this, four of five Puerto Rican males in a poorly-lit room with the combined education of maybe the 8^th grade, whacked on heroin or cocaine, drunk on port wine, with about fifty or sixty small piles of white powder lined out on a old door top propped on two twenty-gallon plastic paint containers being used as a cutting table. You don’t have to be a fuckin’ rocket scientist to figure out they ain’t gonna be able to get the proper distribution of cut to heroin every time. Too much pure heroin in a half-gram package equals a “hot shot.” You’re history, because five minutes after the rush your heat stops. Too little or no heroin in a half-gram package gets you dope-sick.          

     But my major concern on Adam Street is “cotton fever.” I’d rather be dope-sick all day than get what the Puerto Rican junkies down here call “cotton shot rush.” It’s when a dirty piece of cotton fiber used to filter the heroin makes it into your bloodstream. The sweats and shakes that ransack your body are nothin’ compared to the fire under your skin. I’ve watched junkies do everything imaginable, cry hysterically, beg to die, boot two additional bags of heroin and overdose just to kill the sickness. A doctor in the emergency room once told me it comes from bacteria or fungus on the cotton, and not the cotton itself. To me the argument is pointless, you get “cotton shot rush” —it doesn’t matter from where it came from.  

     Heroin is not a cold-shake like cocaine. The impurities used to cut heroin need to be cooked off in boiling water before you shoot it intravenously. Down here we all do it the same, bite the heroin package open carefully, taste it, gag or dry heave on the bitterness, empty the heroin into a cooker, (either a spoon or the bottom of a tonic can), draw 50cc of water into the syringe, fill the cooker until the heroin drowns, and light a match.

     After you see tiny bubbles dancing in the cooker you place a small sliver of cotton or a piece of a cigarette’s filter into the liquid. With one hand firmly steadying the cooker, the tip of the needle is guided into the cotton or filter with the other hand. The plunger is moved upward slowly by biting firmly on to the tip and moving the head upwards. If all goes well the syringe fills with about 20cc of heroin. The task of hitting a good vein is next. And nobody down here takes the time to wrap a belt around their arm and whack the skin over a vein. That’s fuckin’ Hollywood. If you make it to where I am-- you’re an expert at veins. After contact, you watch your blood snake into the syringe, you pull the trigger, hot liquid moves quickly up your arm, your heart tingles, and you feel an immediate rush of adrenaline guzzle your brain in one swift sip.

     From there it’s a crapshoot. Most addicts don’t carry sterile cotton balls or Q-tips in their back pocket. If you’re lucky you have access to a clean filtered cigarette. But most of the time you have to find a cigarette butt on the ground, in an ashtray, or a garbage barrel. “Cotton shot rush” is perfect example of life as a heroin addict. You live for the moment. If it happens, it happens. But there is no mistaking it when it hits. Ten to twenty minutes after you pull the trigger it whacks you like you’re in the third day of the flu virus. The ears give it away: if they start to ring you’re fucked. Pressure begins to mount on each side of your temple like a vise squeezing slowly together. Sweat pours off your brow but at first there is no temperature associated with it. The shakes progress quickly to trembles. Chills hit immediately after and the body’s temperature spikes to over 102.  Sometimes the brain fogs and things appear that aren’t there. I’m not sure why some cases are more extreme than others. On occasion it can last only an hour, most times it resolves itself within 12 or 24 hours. But if the bacteria takes up residency in your heart and you don’t seek medical attention, you’re dead. I roll the dice about a dozen times a day.

http://www.whatsleftofus.com/

Become a follower today!

It's Simple: Be Positive, Live Longer

Almost 25 years ago, I walked away from a heroin habit that had completely destroyed my life. How? I did it one-day-at-a-time. But that’s easy to say right, it’s a group words, they sound good, but putting them into action is another ball game. How did I do it? Quite simple actually, with a positive attitude, I'm an optimist, not a pessimist!

Optimism is defines as the expectation that good, rather than bad, things will happen. Think about it, listen to people today, most expect the worst. They speak badly of people, places, and things. But a simple change in how you think and talk today, can and will change the outcome of your day.

In fact, medical science backs this up! A University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine study reported exciting new findings about the impact of optimism on the health of 100,000 post-menopausal women. The news is very good for those with a hopeful attitude!

In short, “Women who were optimistic and held the expectation that good things, as opposed to bad things, would happen to them were 30% less likely to die from heart disease than their pessimistic counterparts." The study also found "that positive, trustful people were 23% less likely to die of cancer than their cynically hostile or highly mistrustful counterparts.”

There you go, it’s a done deal, proven, a positive approach to living will extend your life. That said, remember this, a pessimistic “woe is me” attitude toward life opens one up to illness and can shorten one’s life.

So, try this, today, keep it positive. If a negative thought enters your brain, kick it out. If you can’t say something good about something or somebody, don’t say anything.

www.whatsleftofus.com  

Stay in the Room!

This morning I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm sounded off. It was 5:15, completely dark, and I had sinus pressure so severe I was nauseous. Of course, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Go back to bed!” The last thing in the world I wanted to do was get up, drive 20 minutes, and sweat for 90 minutes.

But I did. And about 30 minutes into Bikram Yoga, Terry, the instructor tells a new girl not to quit. In a very calming voice, Terry says, “Just stay in the room, lay back and relax.  For today, just make it a point to stay in the room.”

So the new girl is on a matt right next to me. Now it’s 105 in the room and she’s watching these people in the front row doing things with their body that are mind-blowing. You’d never believe the human spine can bend six different way unless you've actually seen it. Anyway, I see fear in her eyes, the last thing she wants to do is “stay in the room.”

Then Terry says, “If you quit now, you’ll never know what you might have been able to accomplish.”

So the young girl stays. The last 30 minutes of class are floor exercises and every minute she stayed in the room brought her another minute of confidence. In fact, by the end she looked like a veteran.

Later, I saw her by the front desk. She was bubbling with energy, a Cheshire cat smile on her face. She was ready to take on the world.

I thought about that young girl all day. How easy it would have been for her to quit. I wondered how different her day would have been if she broke through those doors, sat on the bench, and watched us all finish the class as her body temperature cooled and fear subsided.

That young girl’s courage is a wonderful metaphor for each and every one of us. Stay in the room. You’ll be glad you did.

BTW, my sinus pressure went away half-way into the class. 

www.whatsleftofus.com

Steve Jobs: Stay Hungry - Stay Foolish

The following paragraphs were taken from Steve Jobs commencement speech at Stanford University in 2005.  If you have 15 minutes, I strongly advise you watch the entire speech by clicking the link below. However, as we wrap up 2011, I think it's important to take a look at your own life. Bottom-line, ask yourself, “Are you happy with your life?”

The following two paragraphs are powerful. Read them slowly. Stop for a moment today and think hard about what Steve Jobs is saying!

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

Are you following your heart today?

Steve Jobs ended his speech with these words: Stay Hungry! Stay Foolish!

The link below is the entire commencement speech. It's amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc

www.whatsleftofus.com

How to write your memoir!

Everybody has a story and everybody should write a memoir. I believe if you can help one person by telling your story—you should. Also, writing is medicine for the soul.

The ghost of my past chased me for years. I’d wake up in the middle of the night sweating, screaming, haunted by mistakes I’d committed or mistakes a loved one forced upon me.

On July, 1, 2009, I saw my story in print. I went to a bookstore and read my memoir to 100 people. That was the day, the ghost went away.

Writing heals. So if you need a New Year’s Resolution and you’re struggling with a past you regret—write your memoir.

Send me an email today at richardafarrell@comcast.net and I’ll give you the steps to begin.

Also, become a follower today!

www.whatsleftofus.com

Lance Armstrong: Game On!

At  5:45 this morning, I was driving to Bikram Yoga and I couldn’t help but think of Lance Armstrong.  I don’t know why, but somehow my mind drifted to a story I recently read about the lowest moment of his life. The doctors had just left his hospital room and told him it was over. There was nothing they could do. It was hopeless. He was going to die.

Of course old Lance didn’t see it that way. He said, “Fuck them. They’re all going down. Game on!” And we all know he got up out of the hospital bed and destroyed the world of bicycling.

So on my drive, I started to think. Hey, why do we have to wait until things are hopeless to say, “Fuck this! I don’t want to live like this anymore!” We need to wake up the echo deep inside us right now. We need to charge full speed at whatever dilemma we’re facing, big or small-- right now.  

So today, whatever the challenge or mountain in front of you, don’t run from it! Look it square in the eye and yell, “Game On!”

Become a follower today!!!! 

www.whatsleftofus.com

Dare to be Great!

As I get older, I’ve become aware that I know very little about anything. The funny thing, when I was young, I knew it all. But there is one undeniable truth I know for certain. Each and every one of us has a life force within us to be great, to overcome obstacles, to push beyond our perceived limits, to achieve all of our goals.

I don’t care if you’re addicted to Perc 30s, Oxycontin, heroin, whatever, the power to change lies within each and every one of us. But you have to “dare to be great.”  And that means you’ll have to go to a place within side you that you’ve never been before. It’s frightening. But once you get there, you’ll find within you a power that will change your life.

I’m writing a manual called The Truth about Addiction: 5 Steps to Overcome Anything.  A few of the steps will be quite controversial. But I’m so convinced it will help many people “dare to be great” and grab the power that changes lives.  I look forward to 2012. Please pass my blog address along to somebody you think The Truth about Addiction: 5 Steps to Overcome Anything may help. Sign up as a follower. It’s free and who knows, something I write might plant a seed to help somebody beat addiction.

Dare to be great today!

www.whatsleftofus.com

My Dad - William A. Farrell - Rest In Peace.....

Twenty-eight years ago yesterday, my father died. This morning walking into Bikram Yoga, I heard his voice, piercing, commanding, “Heal and toe, Richie! Heal and toe!” But today was the day after the anniversary of his death, so I didn’t begin to shake, I didn’t go into a panic attack, I didn’t flash back to the night I watched him die.
But yesterday was another story! All day I fought the image of him dying there on the floor begging me for help. All day I saw the last tear he ever cried roll slowly down his check. All day I felt his silver-gray hair still alive on my lap as he took his last breath. All day I heard the last words I ever spoke to him, “I love you!”
Although I survived another year without him, not a day goes by that I don’t see his face and miss him.
The other night, my son Aidan cried when his mother was putting him to bed. He said, “I wish I could have met my Vava.” (Irish for grandfather) His mom quickly told him we’d all be together someday in Heaven. And he cried louder and said, “But how will I know what he looks like?”
Aidan is six and I have to wonder why he asked about his grandfather on the 28th anniversary of his death. Nobody spoke about it yesterday!

The link below is a piece I wrote for the Los Angeles Times on Father’s Day. It’s the best way I can tell my Dad that I’ll love him forever.

http://www.latimes.com/la-oe-farrell19-2009jun19,0,6561322.story



www.whatsleftofus.com
  

Asshole Anonymous!

Hi, my name is Richie and I’m a recovering asshole. True story, I’ve been in recovery now for over 20 years. And I’ll tell you what brought me to my knees. My life pretty much sucked. I blamed everybody and everything for what had happened to me.

I was in my first or second year of being rehabilitated by the State of Massachusetts. A special program designed to take incorrigibles like me, test us for IQ and a battery of psychological exams, educate us, hoping to guide us back into prospering, taxpaying adults.

So now back to the day I became a member of Asshole Anonymous. This particular day everything was going wrong. My ex-wife told me she was quitting work, my two young boys didn’t want to get ready for daycare, and my sociology professor said that if I was late one more day, I’d have to take the class over.

Now I’m furious, almost berserk like, I strapped the kids in their car seats and head out to drop them at daycare. Immediately, this young kid cuts me off. But the kids a punk right, he takes it a step further and gives me the middle-finger.

Of course, I chase the idiot, yelling and swearing, “I gonna break your fucking pencil neck you little asshole.” In the back seat, my 2-year-old panics and begins to scream crying. And my 4-year-old laughs hysterically beside him.

Anyway, the kid gets away, I drop my boys off at daycare and the woman’s pissed about me forgetting extra diapers. Back in the car I call her an asshole and head down the streets. Out of nowhere, a cop hits me with his blue lights. It’s a guy I once beat up in high school, a pure asshole who takes his revenge by detaining me while he runs a warrant check, finds nothing, but give me a ticket for running a stop sign.

Beyond late, I don’t dare try to walk into my Sociology class. Instead, I head over to see my deranged, Vietnam, Marine sponsor. We get coffee at Dunkin Donuts and the woman puts sugar in my coffee after I tell her NO SUGAR TWICE. Yes, I ask, “Tell me, were you always an asshole or did it happen over time?”

Anyway, my sponsor takes me to the top of Fort Hill and he tells me to start yelling. So, looking down at the entire City of Lowell, I begin screaming about every asshole in my sorry life.

Then, with this maniac calm, my sponsor says, “Do you know the third asshole you meet today is you!” And of course, after a long beat, he says it again, “Remember this, today or any day, the third asshole you meet is YOU!”

Great lesson! In fact, I use it every day. So if you’re an asshole and you’d like to become a member of Asshole Anonymous, please take a moment and become a follower today. If not, send the link to my blog to an asshole you know.

PS: About a month after the incident I described above. We were driving back from church one Sunday morning and a woman cut us off. And from the backseat, my 4-year-old yelled, “Break his fucking pencil neck Daddy!”

http://www.whatsleftofus.com/

How to realize you're an asshole!

You gotta laugh at yourself. The day I realized I was an asshole, an idiot, and a moron, was the day that propelled my life forward. I thought I knew it all. I must have been three; maybe four months clean, going to two meetings a day, and basically my life was fucked. But of course, I still had it all under control.

So one morning coming out of the gym, my sponsor, a crazed Marine sniper from Vietnam, stopped me cold.  I had been telling him all morning how I was going to overcome the mountain of obstacles I’d brought on from the years of addiction and madness. He said, “You know what, you’re a fucking asshole! Look at your life. You’ve fucked up everything you’ve ever done. You’ve been in a dozen rehabs. You might go to jail. You have no means to support your kids. And you’re still running the show. The day you realize you’re an asshole, an idiot, and a moron, that’s the day your life will begin to change!”

Wow! It really hit me hard. I had to laugh! He was right. I remember spending most of that day thinking about what he said. Reality is a tough thing to stare down. I’d created an illusion, a reality of my own, a place to survive because the truth was just too painful. But I was a joke. And the biggest joke was on me.  I was the guy with the apple on his head; everybody in my world could see the apple but me.

So step back for a moment today and laugh at yourself. Have some fun at your own expense! Don’t take life to seriously!  Remember what’s real; there is not a person on the planet that’s getting out here alive!  

http://www.whatsleftofus.com/

Today is all we have!

When my memoir came out in 2009, my publicist hooked up tons of interviews all over the country. But there is one I’ll never forget. I was sitting in a trailer in Lowell, Massachusetts on a movie set. It was hot, mid-July, and my cell phone rang.  It was Dennis Miller.

I remember my body froze for a quick beat. Dennis Miller? I’d watched this guy on Monday Night Football, I’d seen his show on HBO, and caught a few of his movies.  It was fucking surreal.  Okay, so my trailer was just a little bigger than my closet and the toilet was right next to me. But my name, Richie Farrell, was on the door.

Twenty-three years earlier, I’d been a full-blown heroin addict in the very same parking lot I was now sitting. In fact, when I opened my door I could see the smoke tower of the old mill building I had overdosed in 23 years ago. But hey, it was Dennis Miller asking me questions about my memoir. I had to clear my throat and put the butterflies in my stomach into formation.

At first, being a funny guy, Dennis attempted to take shots at my book’s title, “What’s Left of Us.”  But I gave it right back to him, told him I had watched his old TV show and he looked much better on his new radio program.

Now my publicist had warned me I’d only have seven minutes. In other words I should only give short answers in bites to sell the book. Well three commercial breaks and twenty-two minutes later, Dennis wrapped it up with this, “Richie, I have family who struggle with addiction. Just how do you get 23 years?”

My replied, “It’s easy! In fact, so easy; it’s the hardest thing a person will ever do.  You do it one day at a time. For me, making it that simple, the ones have added up to over 8,000 days.”

Now this might sound like a bunch of bullshit to you. But try it. In fact, I challenge you to try it for 21 days. Whatever you’re addicted to, whatever you’re struggling with, I’ll guarantee you it works. Get up in the morning, look squarely into the mirror, and repeat this, “Just for today, I’m not going to (fill in the blank).” Now your blank might be drugs, alcohol, sex, food, whatever, it could even be worry. You could be depressed. If so, look into the mirror and say, “Just for today, I’m not going to be depressed. I’m going to be happy!”

Now grow a set of balls and try it. After 21 days, it will be a habit and who knows-- you may like it. If not, fuck it; you can always go back to killing yourself with drugs, alcohol, or food. Whatever?

Just remember this, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is just that, tomorrow…. TODAY IS ALL WE HAVE!

What's Left of You

I've good news and bad news. First of all, I don't give a rat's ass how addicted you are to whatever you're addicted to -- drugs, alcohol, food, sex, whatever, today is the day you can begin the journey to take back your life.

The good news, if I can find the power to change my sorry ass life, anybody can do it. The bad news, it ain't easy. There are no magic pills, well, wait a minute, there is, and it’s called courage. You need balls, male or female, and if you don't have any, you need to grow a set.

Now if you are a member of this human race, bad things are going to happen to you. It doesn't matter, nobody escapes entirely. For some, loved ones will die and leave us alone to figure things out on our own. For others, illness and disease will destroy us either from within or without. And most likely, all of us will be deceived, abused, or betrayed by somebody we love.

Bottom line, my goal is to prove to all of you, that after the pain of those bad things thrust upon you, the only thing that matters in your life is what you do with, WHAT'S LEFT OF YOU!

READ THIS BOOK…. www.whatsleftofus.com

Richie Farrell